Stop This Train

ANNOUNCEMENT: Time, if you could just stop for a minute and let me make an illustration. 

Ok, thank you.

That feels better.

This is a nice feeling. I will take out my speech book and compile some amazing study notes until they are finished. After that, I will play guitar until I am done.  Hmm... what else? My clothes need folding, I'll do that.  I'm going to sit around and think until I can finally clear my head at least a little bit. I'll stretch out on my floor and meditate while simultaneously doing some yoga poses. When I'm finished with that, I'll probably go to sleep until I am sufficiently rested.

I have forgotten all about time by now. 

And what is time, other than a label we have made? I strive to live in the present. Too often I live in the past or the future. But how can one live in the present when there are deadlines to meet? Clasees to attend? Birthdays to plan for? Is it possible to fully live in the present?

Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Ok, that makes sense, do not live in the future. Live today. But how to we differentiate between worrying and being responsible? 

I can't even begin to count how many times a day I wish for more time. I have actually spoken the words "JUST SLOW DOWN!". I'm not the only one. John Mayer sings, "Stop this train. . . I can't take the speed it's moving in . . . honestly, won't someone stop this train?" I have had countless conversations about this very topic.

And what really gets me is that after all these THOUSANDS of years living in time, we STILL haven't gotten used to it. We've adapted, yes. But we are still perpetually surprised by how time works. 

It's going to fast. If we could just slow it down a little. If only there were more hours in the day. We are always late. We don't finish things on time. 

It's going too slow. I wish I could just skip ahead until I am happier, or have more money. I don't like the place I'm in, I'd like to fast forward to next fall. I  "can't wait" until I am married and have a family (Ok, I don't particularly get excited about the soccer mom fanstasy). 

It seems we are never content with the here and now. We always want less or more. I guess this is why Buddhist monks make it their life's goal to be content and at peace and to live in the present. There is something to be said for that, and I think it is very Biblical too. I'm not condoning procrastination, but rather, happiness in our surroundings. There is always room for improvement, and ambition for the future. And there is a time and a place to remember happy times and fond memories of the past. 

But maybe if we lived in THIS moment as if there WERE no future, and as if all we have is now, then our lives would not only be happier, they would be so much more meaningful.

.... just food for thought.

Power

Music has the ability to take me to the heights of emotion. 

Tonight, I feel so desperate, that I am allowing myself to be carried away and moved to the point of tears by a song.

What I realize is that my words will never be adequate to convey the deepest feelings of my heart. I think that music, using the power of words combined with the power of tone, volume, rhyme, instrument, and other elements does a better job of expressing emotion. And even then, it feels limited. In fact, no method of communication is fully capable of expressing what's inside. 

My heart is full and spilling over with love. I am at my breaking point I think. I am so hungry and yearning. I have been pushing and pushing for my entire adult life to become close to God, to no avail. There is this place in my heart that was filled by the love for and from someone else... and now that place has been drained.  And I feel like a new love is trying to rush in, to fill the gap.  I want that love to be God's love. I want that to be love for God and love from God. I want that specific area, at this point, to be filled only with that. 

I have been confronted multiple times this week on how I am serving. I want to serve. More than anything I want to LOVE. I desperately want to do something to make someone else's life a little less painful, and I believe that starts with love. 

This verse, doesn't exactly deal with serving, but I think it expresses the volume of love that I feel right now in my heart. 

Song of Solomon 8:7

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Sometimes

Sometimes my head is in so many places at once that it wares me out. 

is that how you spell ware? or is it wear?

Tonight is one of those nights.

I am so happy.

I am so sad.

Sometimes I think that I live a double life:

One life is spent at home, talking to no one for days, reading and writing constantly.

The other is spent amongst good friends and acquaintances being loud and laughing uncontrollably. 

Sometimes I wonder which person is the real me?

Is it the introverted, anti-social, "I'm turning my phone off for three days", overly-analytical, contemplating my life, deeply emotional, head stuck in a book or journal, speed scrabble playing person?

Or is it the carefree, flying kites at the park, staying out until 4 am, bubbly, smiling, rock-climbing, belting music out in my car, dancing in the parking lot, joke telling, try to make people feel awkward, straightforward person?

Because :

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know.

But I'm OK with that. It keeps life interesting, and I can live with or without a lot of people.

I prefer being alone, but I become overly methodical and melancholy.

And I like being with people, but they tend to wear me out.

This is probably the worst entry I've ever written. This and my last entry. I just can' t seem to nail my thoughts down lately, and I end up being all over the place, trying to explain things that don't make sense to me.  And it kills me. I almost don't want to post this because of embarrassment, but I feel like I should. 

I feel like I am writing something akin to what a 16 year old girl in 10th grade would be writing. 

A Lot of Random Thoughts

Tonight is one of those nights where I have so much to say, but I can't put any of it into words that sound sufficient. The catch is though, that I don't think I'll be able to sleep unless I get some of this out of my head.

I am cursed with what the Chinese call the "monkey mind". Keith told me this one day while sitting on his table with needles protruding from my back. "Great", I thought, "this isn't just a phase." I guess I thought that once I was over all of this crap in my life, then my head would go back to normal. Back to the way it was before my life took a sharp turn. I wouldn't constantly overanalyze situations and mull over decisions. I wouldn't be so emotionally wrapped up in everything that it made my head spin.

If I'm honest though, the greatest cause of agony in my life is my conscious, or my sensitivity. If I haven't always had the "monkey mind", I've most assuredly always had the curse of sensitivity. I can remember being somewhere around 4 years old and looking my dad in the eyes when he was scolding me. I can vividly remember the chair he was sitting in, and the words that he said;  "Madeline? Do you want a spanking?!" Sure, these words were common enough. I'm sure my parents uttered them multiple times a day, being the parents of 5 rambunctious daughters. But they were so rare for me, and when my dad said them, I burst into tears. I remember feeling so guilty for whatever it was I had done, and just sobbing and sobbing. My dad took me into his arms. I had learned my lesson. There would be no spanking. In fact, I could probably count the number to spankings I have ever had on one hand.

Flash forward about 7 years to 5th grade. There I am sitting on the couch of our living room, crying my eyes out because I had a boyfriend in my class. I called a meeting in that seldom used living room to confess to my parents, and I couldn't even get the words out I was crying so hard.

3 years later, in 8th grade, I am crying in the hallway of school in front of my Latin teacher because she called me out of class for talking too much.

Other than the uncontrollable crying, my heart hasn't really become very much stronger. I am grown now, and I know when to take something to heart and when to let it slide off. I can stand up for myself now, and usually don't get into situations worthy of being scolded. But when someone cuts me in my core, or slashes me where I am most vulnerable, I break. I still come home crying. 

I don't think that will ever change. It's part of what makes me who I am. It's something that I was born with. At it's best it causes me to have sincere empathy and compassion and at it's worst it causes me wounds and pain that many people can avoid. 

*This is why it is so hard for me to let go of people. This is why it is so hard for me to let people in. Because once they are in, I can't let them go. Because I am a feeler. I feel deeply and intensely. The few people in life that crawl their away into my heart, will not be easily given back. Once you have my love, you will have it forever. But my greatest fear is that I will hold my heart out with an open hand for someone else to take, and they will look at it and say "it's not good enough." or that they will slowly give it up. That's the thing about being so damn sensitive, not everyone else is that way. So the defense mechanism I have built up is a wall, to protect myself and protect others. I am slowly learning to break it down. I have the capacity to love so deeply, so I am trying to teach myself to love selflessly, and not be so afraid of what will happen to ME. Because in the end, it is not about ME. It's about THEM and it's about shining light and giving love to THEM, not about what I'm getting. It's about asking myself what can I do to help them in their situation? How can I be a friend? What do they need? This takes so much work, but in the end,

If I love people a little bit everyday, selflessly, then I have accomplished what I have set out to accomplish.

(so much for my planned blog on the monkey mind)

The beginning

Dr. Arular,

I tried to tell Jonas that drinking soda through his nose was no way for a proper young boy to behave, but he was never fond of listening to me. He would always respond with the same blank stare and continue with his childish antics. 

"Jonas, I am your sister. And I have lived exactly 3 years and 37 days longer than you have. You see, once you turn 10 years old, you are double-digits... and also doubly as smart."

Still, mom and dad would find him stumbling around the house most nights acting like Uncle George after he came home from Iraq. 

The doctors told us that Jonas suffered from some serious psychological disorders. I could never remember the names of them, so I now carry around a pad of post-it's with all 3 disorders written on every page. This way I can peel one off and hand it to anyone inquiring about my brother's recent expulsion from school.

They look something like this:

Jonas Breuer has:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Social Phobia

Trichotillomania

I know that trichotillomania is what makes him pull his hair out, but I'm not exactly sure what the others mean. I don't know which one causes him to make clicking noises almost constantly, or which one makes him want to stay inside of a box all day.  Really though, I just wish he would stop drinking soda through his nose. It's embarrassing. 

My parents blocked me from using the internet anymore. They told me that sending one hundred e-mails to you every day would not help the situation.  So I am writing you what Mallory calls "snail mail". 

I have to go to Tae Kwon Do class now, so I'll write more tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Sophie Breuer 

not quite poetry.

Moments fixed

will always be there

in my memory then.

A dash of western hope

too soon dissipated.

The dark, steep descent

into uncharted territory

"We'll be back home soon

...if we can just get a light."

My glass eyes;

like the ocean

reflect the sparkle

of your pearly white paint.

Analyzing

Over-analyzing

All in search of the tantalizing

connections and essences.

too much to bear

yet too little to act.

Stop!

Who are we kidding?

Immature notions of intellect

cloud the reality that is.

The Ocean

I love the ocean. I always have. But today I find myself, like a rekindled romance, falling in love all over again. When you are away from something for so long, you forget why it is that you love it so much. I knew that I loved the beach, I just couldn't remember why.

I love the way the sand makes my toes look all scratchy, like a little child who has been building a masterpiece sandcastle for hours. I love the feeling of my long jersey dress pressed up against the back of my legs by the breeze. I also particularly love the beach at this time of year. It's the earliest time of the year you can come, be warm, and not be bombarded by massive groups of spring breakers. In fact, as I looked up and down the beach today, there was not a person in sight.

I'm reading "Eat, Pray, Love" right now. I avoided this book for a long time, because of popular demand.... but I finally caved. It's brilliant. Not profound. But real. And these days, I like real. She talks about experiencing pure pleasure, and how as Americans, its often difficult to do this guilt free. The Italians, she says, are "the masters of il bel far niente" or "the beauty of doing nothing". And today, as I lay on the beach, I found myself completely wrapped up in the present, and enjoying the pure pleasure of doing nothing. As I lay there, completely motionless on my beach towel, I felt enveloped in a blanket of utter contentment. The waves were singings a sweet duet with Sufjan. And I found myself completely connecting with the words that were being sung in my ears.

"And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you"

... those are the words of my soul. This is my hearts greatest desire.

That song hit me in a way that I can't describe. I sat there on the beach, alone, and began weeping. Weeping and smiling simultaneously... because it finally clicked into place. In such an ordinary moment, I was beginning to realize something so huge. I heard the voice inside of me say "Mad, it's ok. It's okay for you to feel content. Enjoy this. Don't worry, you can put everything behind you now, because there is a new joy." I have finally found, as Thomas Chalmers said, "The expulsive power of a new affection."

A Chronic Conflict

* February 22, 2008 *

Tonight I find myself tangled in a sort of web of confusion. My head and heart have been all over the place for the last five days. I feel like I have been living in a sort of alternate reality since Valentine's night. Maybe a kind of dream, the kind that has twist after twist, and just when you think it's over, you get rear-ended by a car going 95 miles an hour... and it doesn't end there. I try not to be a victim of my circumstances, but I seem to be moving too fast to process everything. It's quite liberating actually. I feel raw; in a good way. Whenever I'm going through something confusing or difficult, I always find myself becoming introverted and wanting to spend as much time alone as possible. I find that quiet nights, after everyone is in bed, are the most productive in thought, and usually, if I think through something before I go to sleep, I rest easier. That is what I'm attempting to do tonight.

CS Lewis once said, "We read to know that we are not alone." Needless to say, I've been bathing myself in literature over the past month, and especially in the past few days. I've been reading everything from Yancey to TS Eliot to Augustine to Emily Dickinson. I just can't seem to get enough. Originally, my focal point was prayer. The one aspect of Christianity that I can't seem to rid myself of, no matter how potent my doubts are, is prayer. I always come back to prayer. I pray in times of anger and thankfulness, before conversations with friends, during conversations, when I feel lost and confused. I pray with hope. Hope that my prayers will be answered and that I will deepen my relationship with God. Yet so many times I fear that my prayers will go unanswered, or worse, unheard.

After Amanda and I had the car wreck the other night, we spent a while praying together. It was a deep deep prayer of thanks. We were so amazed, that after all that we had been through, we were saved. One wrong turn of the wheel, and we would not be here. It was very clear in that moment that God was real, and that we were shown grace for a reason. The next day I found myself anxious and overwhelmed with doubt. What had seemed so real the night before, now seemed incredibly absurd. I often get faint whispers of doubt. I usually brush them aside, because I know that by listening to them, a can of worms will be opened. This happens to me most often in prayer, which is ironic, because it's the facet of my faith that I spend the most time in. I can usually ignore these whispers for a while, until they gain abundance and strength and I am in a weak state. This was the perfect opportunity.

I don't doubt one area of faith specifically. When I doubt, it is of the legitimacy of the whole. It's often extremely frustrating because once I start this doubting spiral, it doesn't seem to stop. What I don't understand is when I look at Christianity from an objective lens (if that's even possible), it makes perfect sense. Nothing better explains the human condition. It seems unlikely that it could be fabricated... it's too complex, with too much history. The way the new testament fulfills the old covenant is miraculous. And on a broader level; the existence of God. If I exist, and our world exists, isn't it completely possible that something outside of this world exists also? The concept of time. As Lewis and Vanauken argue; after thousands of years living in time, we are STILL unable to get used to it. Time is always moving too fast, or too slow, and there is never enough time. Doesn't that tell us that we are meant to live in an existence that is free of time?

. . . I have grossly simplified the reasons why I have not completely fallen off the deep end (and there are many many more). But, even though I KNOW all of these things, I still find myself sitting on my bedroom floor some nights in tears because I can't believe that it's true. And what is this doubt, or fear, based on? MY FEELINGS. Well, because I FEEL like God doesn't exist, then he mustn't. Or I don't feel like I can trust these alleged prophets, so they must be lying. Which frankly, is bullshit. First of all, if I based my life on what I was feeling at any given moment, my life would be a mess. And how can the feelings of one TINY human, explain the world?

What I fear most in this is that I will never be sure. If ignore these whispers, which now seem more like deafening screams, then I feel confident in my faith. But when they become louder, I find myself paralyzed. My struggles aren't with one thing. if that were only the case! It seems that my doubts come from my heart and feelings... something that cannot be rationalized with facts. So how will I ever reconcile them? Well, I can pray to a God that (when I'm completely honest with myself) I'm not sure exists... that really is it. And I am scared that is my only hope. To read, to talk, and to pray.

What I want so desperately is for it to be true, and to BELIEVE it. And I guess when it comes down to it, I want to believe it because I'm afraid of what will happen if it IS true and I DON'T believe it. I feel like I am in a stuck in a place of not being able to accept it, but also not being able to reject it. I just don't want to live in this paradox.

I know that for me there are only 2 options. Christianity or agnosticism. If I come to a place (which I hope will never happen), where I can't accept Christianity, then I know I will be reduced to agnosticism. I think that if Christianity can't explain it, then nothing else can.

I wish I was able to wrap all of this up with some sense of hope... but right now I'm afraid that I am in the middle of it all, and that only time will tell. At least I can rest in the fact that if it IS all true, God sees my heart, and as Thomas Merton said, "My desire to please you, does in fact, please you." And the truth will remain even in my confusion.

Excerpts from Journal Entries From Spiritual Retreat:

**A FEW excerpts from my journal entires that I wrote while on my spiritual retreat. Note that there are a lot missing**

I'm starting off this individual spiritual retreat with a verse in my mind. I was reminded of it when I was praying to nights ago.

Matthew 11:25-30
At that time, Jesus answered and said, "I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for it was Your gracious will. All things have been delivered to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and any one to whom the Son chooses to reveal Him. Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Two things strike me in these verses. The first is that god hides understanding from the wise. And even more, reveals it to little children. There are so many who are arrogant with their knowledge. It seems though, that while knowledge is a good thing, identifying one's self in it is not OK. Becoming too consumed with worldly knowledge prevents us from gaining understanding. And it doesn't just prevent us, God actually withholds it. I don't think this should keep us from attaining knowledge, but I do think we need to be careful. Holding it above God, or others is dangerous. Children, however, trust without question. They haven't yet learned critical thinking, and in regards to God, they trust. "Jesus loves me. This I know, for the Bible tells me so."... of course he does. It is what it is and there is no question about it. The adult, or the "wise", tainted by wounds and let downs say, "Jesus loves me? Who says? Why? Under what conditions?" God says, "I love you because I made you. I love you because I say so. Trust me."
We must be careful not to get too heady and to trust our Father. When we are weak, he can teach us and move us. "In Beginning To Pray", Vanauken says that prayer and change are like a sail. It moves a boat because there is little resistance and because it is fragile. A mother teaches a child to write- holds the pen in his hand and guides him. And because he does not know the right strokes, there is no resistance, and she can teach him. So we must be gentle, weak, vulnerable, willing and trusting. Like a little child. If we place our demands on Him, or we resist Him, think we know better, how will we ever learn? How in the world will we be able to follow his will?
The second thing that strikes me in this passage is the part about taking up the yoke of Christ. So often, especially in the intellectual mind, we run the risk of thinking that the demands of Christ are too hard, stressful, unattainable. Yet what Christ says is the complete opposite. He says that he is gentle and lowly in heart (he is?!) and Most of all he says, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light". Jesus said it, so it has to be true, yet how can this be with so many rules, morals, and guidelines? **This is where I deeply connect though. I think, at least for me, that deep deep down I WANT to be good. I want to be in a close relationship with God and I want that the be number ONE. The thought of that being my life; an intimate relationship with Christ, one in which I am so captivated by him and love him so much that the opinions of others don't matter to me. Being so close to Him that everything else fades into the background. I wouldn't worry all the time or over think everything. I wouldn't get sucked into the desires and passions of the world. That life sounds so refreshing, so amazing and my heart seems to imagine a soul at peace there. So maybe that is why it should be easy, because deep down, it's what we WANT. Our judgements of others would cease because we would be so close to God that we could see through Christ's eyes.
I get so afraid to open myself up and let Christ in because I am afraid of what that will mean. Of what I will be called to do and the things I'll have to endure. Much of the time, I think that my plan would work out better than God's. But with Christ, that is wrong. My worries and concerns really mean nothing because Christ has the plan ready, we just have to be willing to follow it.

-----


Love. I'm starting to think that I've been viewing love in the wrong way. "I love you". What does that mean? It seems to imply an action. And a willful action. A decided action. - Not so much a realization. For too long love has been used as almost a surprise word. Like we all of a sudden realize we FEEL this way. But maybe the realization should be that of what we are doing, if it is going to take us by surprise. We would no more chalk up, "I teach you." to a realization. It's something that is decided, and if not, it is the realization of an action. "I love you", requires us to DO something. IT seems to be more voluntary than I have thought before. "I'm choosing to love you." "I'm doing this thing, and I'm aware that I am doing it. I could also stop doing it if I wanted to."
But sometimes love doesn't feel like a choice. IT really does seem to take us by surprise. And sometimes, in fact, maybe all the time, it is something we can't control. Do we have a choice at all or are we love's victims and does it choose us? How do we fall in love and why with certain people? Because certainly a person is a person is a person. Maybe it's because of the extent to which we see this certain person. We see the whole of them, or get even just a glimpse, and thus love them because we understand them or they understand us. We see them for who they really are, and vice versa. So in this case, can we ever fall out of love with someone who we truly know, or do we just simply forget?

-----

These past 2 days have been a test for me. I romanticized them in my head before they came. "How wonderful! No distractions, a clear mind. Time to think, read, write, pray and nothing else." However, I have come to the harsh realization that my problems will follow me into any situation. In fact, they seem magnified when life is rid of the little distractions. I have taken a vow with myself and God to withstain from certain things these 2 days. No TV, computer, cell phone, or music with words. I am happy to say that I've done it thus far. But it has been a real test. What I didn't realize before was how addicted I have become to these things. What's even stranger is how I am not quite sure I know who I am without them. Without them to distract me from my relationship with God, who am I? I have put them in place as a kind of fortress. Something to protect me from myself. It's like an unhealthy pseudo-relationship.
Then I do something like this and I go into my room with nothing but myself and some pens and paper. And what do I find there? I find emptiness. I find myself desperately searching for a security blanket, something to give me a purpose. What I need to be filling myself up with and what I need to be using as a security blanket is God. Because the truth is, if I am alone, just with myself and nothing around me, then I am hopeless and empty. I pry deep into myself and find that I think and deal with the same questions I have asked hundreds of times. and with no real progress. Sure, I am not in the same place I was in 6 months ago and many things are better, but really overall I am in the same place. My outside circumstances have improved drastically and I am so thankful for ALL that has happened since I've been back from L'Abri, but what about my heart? My relationship with God? My questions? Have I put enough effort into dealing with those things? The only thing I can say for myself is that I have at least come to a deeper understanding of the questions I have and the struggles I face. But in terms of a solution, I am at the same place. Yes, we must understand our issues in order to fix them, but understanding is not enough. There is a point where we must act. This is where it becomes difficult. I find myself feeling paralyzed because the task is too great or I am lazy. Yet these issues are vital. If I don't become proactive and try to search for help, then I will surely be in a place of unrest for the rest of my life.
So I sit down to pray. Prayer seems like the most logical thing to gain direction. But 2 problems occur: 1. I'm afraid of what God will ask me to do and 2. I find myself empty and void of emotion. I feel like praying in a state of apathy shouldn't be done. But maybe that's just it. Maybe that's where I should start and maybe that's the problem. If we always had to feel elated or downcast when we sit down to pray then how often would we actually do it?
This brings me to a side note. I've realized lately how frustrating it is when God doesn't speak to us. We finally sit down to pray and wait to hear something. And he never says anything. But the thing is, we don't listen for him the other 23 1/2 hours a day. And if we aren't there when he wants to speak to us, how can we expect that he would speak to us in that 5 or 30 minutes a day that we come to him? We want him on our watch. So of course we never get anything. (not saying that there aren't exceptions). But I am just trying to figure out how to do that. How to be in constant communication with him. The author of the book I am reading relates it to an ache. For example, if you have a really bad toothache. You can carry on your daily life; running errands, being with friends, working. In the back your mind though, you are always aware of the ache. You can do other things, but you are constantly aware of it's presence. And that's how it should become with God. But of course it's a process.
Ok, so IF we pray only in these extremes, the relationship of course will be unhealthy. You can't sustain a relationship in moments of perfect joy and utter desperation only. There are moments with friends when life is just OK. There are moments when you feel void of emotion. That doesn't mean you should avoid having contact with friends during these times, but you should accept them and ask what there is to learn in spite of that. I need to be in a close relationship with God regadless of my circumstances.

-----

What if we were truly see inside out? What if, the people we meet saw our hearts instead of our faces, our passions instead of our hands? This would be a scary thing, for deep inside of us there is a real good. There is a desire to be sanctified, yet there is also ugliness. There are wounds. There is baggage. There is evil desire. So often when we say we are seeing someone for who they really are, we are seeing them in one of two lights. The good, "I finally saw his heart, and his love,and goodness." or the bad "He really is just a bad person". But what if we really, truly saw into someone. Wouldn't our compassion and understanding be magnified? You would see the deep pain someone has. You would understand why they are struggling with certain things. You would see the whole of them. Their life story and their souls. Maybe that is why God does and can accept us. Because he does see the scope of us. He sees the good, the bad, the desires and the true nature of our character. So many times I wish that other people could see me in this way and so often I wish that I really could understand people like this. But it seems that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to grasp it all. Because we only get what we are given and sometimes too little is given. -Or too little is noticed. We (I) must learn to see past the outward words and actions of others and look deep into their hearts. And I pray, really and truly, that others will be able to do the same with me. And that I'll stop trying so hard to be something outside that I wish I was inside. And that the true essence of me would shine through to where I wouldn't have to try. And most of all, that my true essence would become good, wise, and loving.

----