A Chronic Conflict

* February 22, 2008 *

Tonight I find myself tangled in a sort of web of confusion. My head and heart have been all over the place for the last five days. I feel like I have been living in a sort of alternate reality since Valentine's night. Maybe a kind of dream, the kind that has twist after twist, and just when you think it's over, you get rear-ended by a car going 95 miles an hour... and it doesn't end there. I try not to be a victim of my circumstances, but I seem to be moving too fast to process everything. It's quite liberating actually. I feel raw; in a good way. Whenever I'm going through something confusing or difficult, I always find myself becoming introverted and wanting to spend as much time alone as possible. I find that quiet nights, after everyone is in bed, are the most productive in thought, and usually, if I think through something before I go to sleep, I rest easier. That is what I'm attempting to do tonight.

CS Lewis once said, "We read to know that we are not alone." Needless to say, I've been bathing myself in literature over the past month, and especially in the past few days. I've been reading everything from Yancey to TS Eliot to Augustine to Emily Dickinson. I just can't seem to get enough. Originally, my focal point was prayer. The one aspect of Christianity that I can't seem to rid myself of, no matter how potent my doubts are, is prayer. I always come back to prayer. I pray in times of anger and thankfulness, before conversations with friends, during conversations, when I feel lost and confused. I pray with hope. Hope that my prayers will be answered and that I will deepen my relationship with God. Yet so many times I fear that my prayers will go unanswered, or worse, unheard.

After Amanda and I had the car wreck the other night, we spent a while praying together. It was a deep deep prayer of thanks. We were so amazed, that after all that we had been through, we were saved. One wrong turn of the wheel, and we would not be here. It was very clear in that moment that God was real, and that we were shown grace for a reason. The next day I found myself anxious and overwhelmed with doubt. What had seemed so real the night before, now seemed incredibly absurd. I often get faint whispers of doubt. I usually brush them aside, because I know that by listening to them, a can of worms will be opened. This happens to me most often in prayer, which is ironic, because it's the facet of my faith that I spend the most time in. I can usually ignore these whispers for a while, until they gain abundance and strength and I am in a weak state. This was the perfect opportunity.

I don't doubt one area of faith specifically. When I doubt, it is of the legitimacy of the whole. It's often extremely frustrating because once I start this doubting spiral, it doesn't seem to stop. What I don't understand is when I look at Christianity from an objective lens (if that's even possible), it makes perfect sense. Nothing better explains the human condition. It seems unlikely that it could be fabricated... it's too complex, with too much history. The way the new testament fulfills the old covenant is miraculous. And on a broader level; the existence of God. If I exist, and our world exists, isn't it completely possible that something outside of this world exists also? The concept of time. As Lewis and Vanauken argue; after thousands of years living in time, we are STILL unable to get used to it. Time is always moving too fast, or too slow, and there is never enough time. Doesn't that tell us that we are meant to live in an existence that is free of time?

. . . I have grossly simplified the reasons why I have not completely fallen off the deep end (and there are many many more). But, even though I KNOW all of these things, I still find myself sitting on my bedroom floor some nights in tears because I can't believe that it's true. And what is this doubt, or fear, based on? MY FEELINGS. Well, because I FEEL like God doesn't exist, then he mustn't. Or I don't feel like I can trust these alleged prophets, so they must be lying. Which frankly, is bullshit. First of all, if I based my life on what I was feeling at any given moment, my life would be a mess. And how can the feelings of one TINY human, explain the world?

What I fear most in this is that I will never be sure. If ignore these whispers, which now seem more like deafening screams, then I feel confident in my faith. But when they become louder, I find myself paralyzed. My struggles aren't with one thing. if that were only the case! It seems that my doubts come from my heart and feelings... something that cannot be rationalized with facts. So how will I ever reconcile them? Well, I can pray to a God that (when I'm completely honest with myself) I'm not sure exists... that really is it. And I am scared that is my only hope. To read, to talk, and to pray.

What I want so desperately is for it to be true, and to BELIEVE it. And I guess when it comes down to it, I want to believe it because I'm afraid of what will happen if it IS true and I DON'T believe it. I feel like I am in a stuck in a place of not being able to accept it, but also not being able to reject it. I just don't want to live in this paradox.

I know that for me there are only 2 options. Christianity or agnosticism. If I come to a place (which I hope will never happen), where I can't accept Christianity, then I know I will be reduced to agnosticism. I think that if Christianity can't explain it, then nothing else can.

I wish I was able to wrap all of this up with some sense of hope... but right now I'm afraid that I am in the middle of it all, and that only time will tell. At least I can rest in the fact that if it IS all true, God sees my heart, and as Thomas Merton said, "My desire to please you, does in fact, please you." And the truth will remain even in my confusion.