A Lot of Random Thoughts

Tonight is one of those nights where I have so much to say, but I can't put any of it into words that sound sufficient. The catch is though, that I don't think I'll be able to sleep unless I get some of this out of my head.

I am cursed with what the Chinese call the "monkey mind". Keith told me this one day while sitting on his table with needles protruding from my back. "Great", I thought, "this isn't just a phase." I guess I thought that once I was over all of this crap in my life, then my head would go back to normal. Back to the way it was before my life took a sharp turn. I wouldn't constantly overanalyze situations and mull over decisions. I wouldn't be so emotionally wrapped up in everything that it made my head spin.

If I'm honest though, the greatest cause of agony in my life is my conscious, or my sensitivity. If I haven't always had the "monkey mind", I've most assuredly always had the curse of sensitivity. I can remember being somewhere around 4 years old and looking my dad in the eyes when he was scolding me. I can vividly remember the chair he was sitting in, and the words that he said;  "Madeline? Do you want a spanking?!" Sure, these words were common enough. I'm sure my parents uttered them multiple times a day, being the parents of 5 rambunctious daughters. But they were so rare for me, and when my dad said them, I burst into tears. I remember feeling so guilty for whatever it was I had done, and just sobbing and sobbing. My dad took me into his arms. I had learned my lesson. There would be no spanking. In fact, I could probably count the number to spankings I have ever had on one hand.

Flash forward about 7 years to 5th grade. There I am sitting on the couch of our living room, crying my eyes out because I had a boyfriend in my class. I called a meeting in that seldom used living room to confess to my parents, and I couldn't even get the words out I was crying so hard.

3 years later, in 8th grade, I am crying in the hallway of school in front of my Latin teacher because she called me out of class for talking too much.

Other than the uncontrollable crying, my heart hasn't really become very much stronger. I am grown now, and I know when to take something to heart and when to let it slide off. I can stand up for myself now, and usually don't get into situations worthy of being scolded. But when someone cuts me in my core, or slashes me where I am most vulnerable, I break. I still come home crying. 

I don't think that will ever change. It's part of what makes me who I am. It's something that I was born with. At it's best it causes me to have sincere empathy and compassion and at it's worst it causes me wounds and pain that many people can avoid. 

*This is why it is so hard for me to let go of people. This is why it is so hard for me to let people in. Because once they are in, I can't let them go. Because I am a feeler. I feel deeply and intensely. The few people in life that crawl their away into my heart, will not be easily given back. Once you have my love, you will have it forever. But my greatest fear is that I will hold my heart out with an open hand for someone else to take, and they will look at it and say "it's not good enough." or that they will slowly give it up. That's the thing about being so damn sensitive, not everyone else is that way. So the defense mechanism I have built up is a wall, to protect myself and protect others. I am slowly learning to break it down. I have the capacity to love so deeply, so I am trying to teach myself to love selflessly, and not be so afraid of what will happen to ME. Because in the end, it is not about ME. It's about THEM and it's about shining light and giving love to THEM, not about what I'm getting. It's about asking myself what can I do to help them in their situation? How can I be a friend? What do they need? This takes so much work, but in the end,

If I love people a little bit everyday, selflessly, then I have accomplished what I have set out to accomplish.

(so much for my planned blog on the monkey mind)